The 4 Relationship Killers
Written by Ryan Greenwood
In the world of relationships, maintaining a healthy and harmonious connection with your partner can sometimes feel like navigating through uncharted waters. Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, a renowned expert in relationship stability, has identified four behaviors that, if left unchecked, can predict the demise of a relationship. He metaphorically termed these behaviors as the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" due to their destructive impact. Understanding these behaviors can help couples recognize and address them before they cause irreparable damage. So, let's saddle up and explore Gottman's Four Horsemen: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling.
Relationship Killer #1: Criticism
Criticism is more than just a complaint about a specific issue; it targets the character of the partner. While complaints focus on specific actions, criticism attacks the person as a whole. For instance, a complaint might be, "I'm upset you didn’t do the dishes," whereas criticism morphs into, "You’re so lazy, you never help around the house." This kind of character assassination erodes the foundation of a relationship by making the partner feel attacked and devalued. Over time, constant criticism can lead to resentment and feelings of inadequacy. To combat this, try using "I" statements and focus on expressing your feelings about specific behaviors rather than attacking your partner’s character.
The key difference between criticism and complaint lies in the target. A complaint addresses a specific behavior or situation: "I feel overwhelmed when I come home and see the dishes aren't done." Criticism, however, is both global and accusatory: "You never care about how hard I work." By learning to voice complaints without criticism, couples can communicate their needs more effectively and avoid unnecessary conflict. If you find criticism creeping into your conversations, our therapists can help you develop healthier communication patterns.
Relationship Killer #2: Defensiveness
Defensiveness is a common reaction and the next stop for couples after criticism takes root. When feeling attacked, a person may respond defensively to protect themselves from feeling blamed or criticized. This behavior often involves making excuses, counter-attacking, or whining. For example, if one partner says, "You didn’t call me when you said you would," a defensive response might be, "Well, you never call me when you’re out!" Defensiveness shifts the focus away from the issue at hand and instead blames the partner, which prevents resolution and perpetuates conflict.
Unfortunately, defensiveness prevents partners from addressing the underlying issues and perpetuates a cycle of conflict. Instead of becoming defensive, try to take responsibility, even if it’s just for a part of the problem, and work towards a constructive resolution. Saying something like, "I’m sorry I didn’t call. I’ll make sure to remember next time," can diffuse tension and open the door for productive conversation. If defensiveness is a recurring issue in your relationship, consider seeking guidance from our relationship counseling services.
Relationship Killer #3: Contempt
Contempt is perhaps the most dangerous of the Four Horsemen. It involves expressing superiority over your partner through sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, and hostile humor. Contempt conveys disgust and a lack of respect, which can be incredibly damaging. It often arises from long-standing negative thoughts about the partner. For instance, cynically responding, "I don’t know why I even bother," during an argument shows a deep-seated disdain which can be corrosive to a relationship.
Contempt is particularly harmful because it undermines the mutual respect fundamental to any healthy relationship. The antidote to contempt is building a culture of appreciation and respect within the relationship. Regularly expressing gratitude and acknowledging positive traits in your partner can help mitigate contemptuous feelings. Instead of focusing on the negatives, try to highlight the positives, like saying, "I really appreciate how hard you work for our family." If contempt has taken root in your relationship, couples counseling can help you rebuild a foundation of mutual respect and appreciation.
Relationship Killer #4: Stonewalling / Withdrawl
Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the relationship entirely, both emotionally and physically, due to a deep sense of hopelessness. This isn't just about shutting down during a single argument; it’s an ongoing pattern where one partner feels so overwhelmed and defeated that they become unresponsive and disengaged. Over time, this leads to an emotional barrier that leaves the other partner feeling ignored and unimportant. For instance, a partner who is stonewalling might consistently avoid conversations about the relationship, show little interest in resolving conflicts, or physically distance themselves by spending more time away from home.
This behavior often stems from a belief that nothing they do will make a difference, leading to an inability or unwillingness to try newer, healthier options for communication and connection. The antidote to stonewalling involves fostering a sense of hopefulness for the future. Perhaps consider that it’s not the relationship that is hopeless, but rather the approaches that you have been trying. It’s important to remember that just because something has failed in the past, it does not mean it will continue to fail forever. Trying new tools or strategies, and seeking professional help can be very powerful steps towards healthier communication. If stonewalling is a recurring issue in your relationship, our team can provide strategies to improve communication and emotional regulation.
Recognizing and Repairing
Recognizing Gottman’s Four Horsemen in your relationship is the first step towards mitigating their destructive effects. By learning to address criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, couples can rebuild their connection and create a more supportive and loving environment. Every relationship faces challenges, but with mutual effort and understanding, it is possible to overcome them.
If you’re noticing these destructive patterns in your relationship and need professional guidance, our team at Hello Therapy is here to help. Don’t hesitate to schedule an appointment with us today and we can work together to foster healthier, happier relationships.
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Ryan Greenwood, CPC, MA
Ryan is the founder and clinical director of Hello Therapy. He graduated at the top of his class from Adams State University with a Master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, is a member of the American Counseling Association, and has a great passion for working with people to grow in the middle of their hardest moments. Ryan is a Henderson local, greatly loves the Golden Knights, traveling, and being outdoors. He and his wife have been happily married for 9 years.
